Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
