So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
