and my herpes radar will keep us safe
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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