Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
