At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I deserve this hangover.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
