I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
