i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
