My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
