i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
