She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
