Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
