I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
