Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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