I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fuck appropriateness.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
