did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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