Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
