she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
