Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Every concussion has its silver lining
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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