Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
