I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
