Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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