how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I won't apologize to a one balled man
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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