You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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