I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
