he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
