My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
