I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
