i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
