yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
