Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
