The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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