i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
