You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
