Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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