That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
