there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
