Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
