Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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