Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
