i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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