I want to have your abortion
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
