I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
