I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
