Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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