Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Please don't give away my fajitas
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
