Someone shit on the floor
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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