Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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