Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Omg I joined a choir last night...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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