The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
