Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
